Comeback

After taking an extremely long hiatus on doing one of my favorite things, I’ve finally seized that moment to make a return to this blog.

It’s been several months since I’ve last blogged periodically, over which there’s been so much that’s happened with both my writing and my life. Writing hasn’t ever stopped being a part of my everyday routine even though it might seem that way – still keep a moving journal, I write for the school newspaper and also pretty much am obligated to academically write several times a week thanks to college.

And there’s that too. Through this break, I /somehow/ managed to start college, finish my first semester and enter my second rather recently.It’s been an extremely wild ride, with several bumps and hurdles in the beginning months, taking on a high towards the end of the year and then turning back down in the sin wave that we seem to traverse in. But overall, starting college was and has been one of the most rewarding experiences I could ever have. And almost only because it’s been a change from everything that I’ve gotten used to over the years.

That’s what 2015 was – change. From graduating, moving states and to moving on.

But the new year of 2016 started, and it’s like the change toppled over to pure negativity. It hasn’t been smooth, no not at all. I thought I was finally going to reach that emotional and academic balance I’ve been longing for. I thought I was ready to switch home. But things haven’t been lately. Everything that I worked towards last year seems to be crippling down, and I’ve been going back through this downward spiral that I am far too familiar with from the past. With insecurities at an ever high, family so far away, self-doubt trickling at every step, not knowing how to manage transactions and re-evaluating my choices far too much, I’m not comfortable anymore and I don’t know what to do about it.

Except for going back to the remedy that worked for me months ago.

Writing.

Giving myself some time for myself to pause and take things slower, and being able to introspect every single point that seems to hold some sort of importance or change.

Because I’m sick of putting up a fake shell covered with smiles and laughter and with a shade of someone who has a hold of all her shit because that is obviously not me. The real me, who’s shaking inside this husk she’s hiding in, wants to break out of the covering and stand vulnerable.

I hope I’ll be okay.

2/21/16

hands trembling,

thoughts tangled,

future uncertain.

while trying to understand what all these words mean,

ribosomes, chromosomes, g proteins;

while trying to make sense of whether I want to do this or whether I need to do this,

taking on too much or an amount just right is still ambiguous;

while trying to push away the stress and work on,

sips of coffee and munches on fruit.

an indian father of two little boys sit next to me,

and the tears slip.

the familiarity too strong,

the kicks of nostalgia perpetuate on and on.

their conversation,

their laughs,

the father’s smile on his kids;

it’s too much now.

i sit a table away,

but a wish to sit with you three lingers,

because you’re a parallel to my past.

growing up,

i thought i was ready,

im not.

trying to make this place home,

trying to fight my insecurities but every little thing makes it worse,

trying to be the best version of myself but im doubting every move,

now im trying just not to break down and fight and fight on.

i didn’t realize how tangled my thoughts are.

the chairs screech,

the father and the kids are cleaning up,

no don’t leave,

you’re the closest i have to reimagining my past vividly.

you’ve left,

and you’re still that parallel;

you’ve moved away,

just like time moved as an inevitable fact of life.

amma, nana, sai and nicky,

im not okay,

im not okay without your constant presence.

im sorry i never seemed like i was grateful,

but no words will ever tell you how thankful i am.

the pressure is draining me out,

it’s not just about work anymore,

it’s actually everything else –

things i can’t really spell out loud,

things that i can’t articulate myself,

no one can really help me but myself –

but i wish i was embraced in your presence.

i would break down so much more often,

but im doing this for you four.

you’ve supported,

given,

believed,

and loved,

this is the least i can do.

i didn’t realize how much i need you,

and how much i missed home,

because home is where heart is,

and that’s exactly where you four are.

On That Music Grind

One track, one step.

One track, another step.

One track, and we keep going.

Walking to my first class in a rush every morning, I see around me pretty much every single person with a pair of earphones plugged into a phone. I walk over to the library later in the day to do some reading, and there’s people sharing earphones, beating their feet to the tempo of the music. It’s gym time, and everyone’s sporting a pair of headphones, some blasting out loud jams to not hear their gasps of lack of breath. It’s night time, and I catch myself ending the day with music – just the way I started it.

The power of a single song to place you in an alternate digital universe will never cease to amaze me. Look around you and think about how each and every single person with those earphones is listening to something different – different beats, different genres, different languages. Yet you’re sitting in one room or standing in one place.

A world without music in my ears is a world that I cannot possibly imagine. It starts my day, it pumps me up, it keeps me going, it can flip my mood around but most importantly, it connects. This relationship isn’t unique to me – it’s something every single person around me has. How stunning is this whole possibility that we cannot cease to live with?

Something that definitely cannot be described with words, but just a rhythm.

 

 

Invincibility

Of course, we’re all going to die one day; it’s a rule of life we cannot defeat.

I’m a girl whose mind clenches an assortment of possible terrors – the fear of failure, hallucinations, losing someone, and the improbability of future and death.

I spend most of my car rides staring out of windows, to think about the probability of death. Something could happen right now, and I wouldn’t be prepared for it. Something could happen to someone I loved right now, and I would regret not driving them myself. Something could happen in a different town, city, country, or the world, and I wouldn’t even know.

It’s scary to even think about how the power lies with Atropos, who has the ability to cut the thread of life least when expected.

Yet, I have a double take on the whole understanding of the span of life and the way we understand it. And as ironic as my thoughts always seem to stir, despite the presence of my listed fears, I spend time to shut my eyes to think about the effect of the death – only to not feel anything. Perhaps because I hold too much unrealistic optimism.

The mistake that I think we often make is that we subconsciously believe that we’re all invincible.

Maybe it’s a fear appraisal technique to ignore the possibility of our greatest fears.

Maybe it’s too unreal and foreign of a concept for the brain to process.

Maybe blocking the thought from our heads to replace it with non-viable rationality is what’s happening.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that it’s so ironic that most of us teenagers view death as something crawling closer with every passing day and that each day is testing the reaper above us – yet we seem to think that our whims, our impulses and our choices surpass the phenomenon.

However, the more I begin to think about it, the less the concept of life begins to feel complicated.

While the thread may seem to cut at some unknown point, it is Lachesis who does measure the rod of life at an earlier point in time. And if you or me is reading this right now, chances are we’re old enough to have the ability to understand the length, importance and depth of life. And I cannot even stress on how important this is to put into our perception and in a constant thought radar.

No, don’t be afraid to live or don’t live in a constant fear of demise.

No, this isn’t to say it’s fair for young people to be trapped in scary situations because fate said so.

It’s to say that time spent is time we’re not getting back. And most likely, when we’re lost into our game of personal chess in college, we’re going to tend to phase several new priorities – relationships, peer pressure, wild instincts and a spirit of adventure. Live your life, make the informed choices that you must, but remind yourself of what may happen, what could happen and that time’s running out. Remind yourself to go chase those dreams and appreciate what you have, and fix whatever might be wrong, because you never know when your world will shake. Remind yourself that it’s important to return back to who you intrinsically are, to your roots and to what stands important for you.

Because with every passing second, you’re testing the vulnerability and the improbability of the future.

Live life the way you want, sometimes planned, sometimes by whim. But whenever you stray away or forget during the race of time, make sure you remember that we’re not – invincible.

Birds Need To Fly

Far too many times do we hear people say, ‘You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.’ And far too many times, we take that for granted.

After 9 and a half years, I’m moving to a new country again. And this time, by myself.  Apart from my friends, my home and my roots, I’m leaving my family. It’s been hitting me a little by little throughout summer, and there’s definitely been so many streaks of realization and times of reflection. But it really, really did it hit me, yesterday.

And today, at this moment, I’m sitting in an airport terminal in a different country already, about to board my next flight to my next place of living for the next 4 years.

Yesterday, I went out with my friends for the millionth time this summer to say a good bye to them. It was only for about 2 hours for lunch or so, and I came back home. My brother was in the shower when I did come back and apparently when he came from school, he ran to my room to check if I was there first things first and then, ran to my cousin and asked her when I was coming back. When he heard I was coming back in a bit, his face lit up and just before running to take a shower before I came back, he told her he was going to miss me so much, teared up but didn’t want me to know because I’d feel worse; he literally warned her to skip office the next day to spend time with me; he told her that it was important they did whatever I wanted that day because it was the last day I had time with him and apparently, just looked at her with a half-smile with his big eyes. And the second I came home, he ran to me, gave me a hug and asked me if I wanted to play our family ritual of Monopoly. When he was setting it up, that’s when my cousin told me this whole story and from that moment on, I couldn’t and wouldn’t stop tearing up far more regularly than I already had.

It’s a story that’s simple as ever. But that’s the point.

Our relationship was always so simple. I just never seemed to realize.

As natural as it may be, my brother and I used to fight a lot – it was mostly always my fault and my temper kicking it off, in all honesty. But more than that, I don’t think I’ve ever paid attention to how much my little brother really means to me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved him through thick and thin – he’s family.

But I never realized that he was my favorite person on this whole entire planet.

Ever since last evening until the moment I had to give him one last hug before college starts, I’ve maxed my time with him and I’m filled with regrets.

Why didn’t I spend a longer chunk of my summer with him?

Yeah, we had the best family vacation in Kerala for a week, and a trip to my grandmother’s house for another week.

But apart from that, did I really connect soul to soul, heart to heart with him throughout the three months?

Throughout my life?

With a few exceptions to random days in between, the answer is no, I haven’t.

We would always play cards, board games, talk, watch shows everyday, laugh at random things, just like siblings would all the time. I kiss him good night every night, and sometimes, just end up looking at him and think about how grateful I am to have him. But that’s not what I really mean. It’s just, I don’t think I’ve ever fully realized how much of charm, a gem, a gift from God he is to me and my family.

And if I did, everything would’ve been so much different, so much easier.

I had a great summer, I really did. But I wish every evening I did come home after a great day out with my friends, I went and slept in my little brother’s lap or played an extra game of Monopoly with him or just talked to him about life everyday throughout. Or I just wish I didn’t have to Skype or message around, when I could’ve spent the time with him.

I’m a very emotional girl. I’ve been crying so much throughout summer, thinking about the fact that I’m leaving. I cried throughout yesterday, causing puddles of tears sinking through my brother’s shorts, leading him to whisper to my cousin that it was tickling and he didn’t know what to do. I cried throughout today, when I just looked at his beautiful eyes and wondered how I could never see into that innocence every time we fought. And then there’s him, who’s been crying when no one’s looking because he wants to be strong for me. He cried in the car but covered it up with making a silly face and said, he didn’t want it to show. But then, I cried and he cried so hard when I held him tight in one big tight hug, thinking it was my last hug for a while. And then ran back and hugged him again. And then again. And then that was it.

I don’t think I’ll stop tearing up or stop crying any time soon.

And you know what? Maybe that’s okay.

Maybe I needed this.

And maybe, this distance was always needed. Because sometimes, you need a reminder to shake you the important things in life. And maybe, this distance will only make things better and make our relationship hold itself so much stronger.

It obviously hurts so much, it hurts so freaking much. But life is full of lessons that need to be learnt.

I’m not losing my brother to anyone; he’s right here, and will always be. He’s physically distant thousands of miles away, but our hearts aren’t. And I’ll make sure of it.

Besides, when me and my baby brother were crying earlier today, my dad held us tight and told me some words that I’m hoping will give me enough strength, motivation and inspiration to keep me going.

He told me that he has regrets and he used to have fears. And not being able to surpass them hurt him and haunted him through the past and till today. But seeing me, someone who carries his blood, his legacy, be able to take on some of the things that he hadn’t, makes him proud. And as all of us birds have dreams and places we want to go to, it’s important we don’t tie those wings down only to combat those emotions. Because love is important, but so is raising those wings, flying above it all and conquering your world. Plus, my little brother needs an example he can connect to – and if that has to be me, then I’ll do it all to make sure he has the right example.

I’m still not strong enough to cope up with this whole change and this new life, but I hope I’ll get there. I hope the next 4 years in this new place will be worth the fight.

But no, this place is not going to be my real home.

Because home is where heart is.

And my heart is all set in the tucked in hold of my brother’s innocence, my dad’s warmth, my mom’s hugs, my dog’s incessant wagging of her tail and the laughs of everyone else who means the most to me.

But it’s so important to remember that this home isn’t running away anywhere. Despite the places I go and the roads I take, I’ll always find my way back home.

unknown

sometimes i just end up staring into the dark for minutes, hours within the night;

questioning everything, i land at the same umbra of thought every day – every waking moment of consciousness.

i might be too vague, but that’s how my thoughts seem to be;

they make no strings of sense,

but please put up with me.

swings and swirls,

hidden messages within blog posts and subliminal reactions to things you say;

my mind is a mess.

i want to tell you everything,

from the roots to the end,

but it’s going to come out all wrong;

it’s going to change things dramatically;

it’s a chance i’m not willing to take – yet.

i don’t know what to do,

i don’t how to phrase it,

heck, i don’t know how to think it through.

i end up streaming through endless sites and countless daydreams,

only to sit behind this screen and scramble down words here that don’t even seem to make a real harmony.

and that metaphor is exactly how to describe my mind right now –

it’s constantly playing a tune without a tempo or a beat,

purposefully placing myself into persistent deceit.

i wish i could sit and rant to you,

or you,

or you too,

but i need the words to begin with;

they all seem to lay astray.

until that day,

im on my own,

fighting an inner battle with colliding thoughts and wishes and wants,

to land once again on the unknown.