Intricacy of Feelings

Dedicated to my best friend, after a call much needed. 

Sometimes, it’s really hard to be able to define your emotions to anybody else, or for yourself even. Sometimes – scratch that, several times on the daily – it’s really hard to be able to express yourself or explain why you feel a certain way to someone else. And most of the times, we’re just lost in our universes, each of us subject to our own individualistic ways of dealing with this disconnect. Each of us deal with this differently, and each of us project differently.

I’m an extremely sensitive over-thinker, but I project to be someone unmoved by or impervious to complications in any form. I often thought of myself as an open book, but my best friend always told me I wasn’t. I always thought otherwise, but she’s right. While I’m rather free with sharing my stories, my emotions are almost always never expressed fully and are somewhat caged within. I’m really not as insensitive as I seem, I break down and over-stress always. I don’t think I like seeming vulnerable because I don’t want to seem easily penetrable or weak. I don’t think I like seeming fragile because I feel like there’s certain situations that could be taken emotionally advantage of. And mostly, I don’t like seeming sensitive because I don’t want people to know things to affect me that much – I’m scared of being judged, and I’m scared of people failing to understand and leaving.

My best friend and I, we’re people pleasers. This doesn’t just affect the reason we do things, but why we choose to express the way we do. It takes so much of an emotional toll on you, being one of these because it’s a constant trade-off between you versus them, and the latter wins. There’s also this constant subtle fear of rejection, which is complex in its own way.

The fear works something like this – if I’m not going to give in all I can or be a certain person to make this other person happy, they’re going to let go. So you start to put up a display, you start to act like you care, or you’re okay, or you’re fine with certain decisions. And when these are the people that mean the most to you, you’re going to be yourself, of course. But you’re also going to put up a partial facade and they’re never going to know. They’re going to think that’s who you really are, but you know that’s really not. Your relationship escalates, and the expectations placed in your facade escalate too. You don’t know if you want to, but you think you need to because it’s too late. If you don’t, maybe they’re going to get mad and confused and upset. Maybe they’re going to leave. No, no, you don’t want that. You’re going to fight through this yourself. You’re going to analyze the situation – rather, over analyze if you’re like me – and you’re going to choose to either talk it through, ignore, or eventually give in. Giving in in certain situations is the worst. I don’t want to ever come to that, but I feel like there’s such a strong possibility.

Because as much as I know that’s something I’m not okay with, it’s so hard figuring out a clear distinction between your facade and yourself. Because people change and times change. What if you’re really not giving in, but you’ve changed? But then, what if that’s not the case? The fear reboots. Apologies and this was far more abstract that I wished to have had made it, but if you’re someone fighting through the same, I trust you’ll know.

Apart from which, acting like things don’t affect me is another problem of its own. Because while some people might call me emotional, and while I can’t really define someone else’s perception of me, I’d just like to say that there’s far so much emotion trapped and unexpressed. This is the reason why. I’m scared and terrified of being judged. So I start to pretend. And it’s a spiral that just won’t stop. If you’re someone who has the audacity to try, or who can connect to the girl hiding inside, you’ll break my walls and you’ll know. With some, this may take a moment, a few months or a long time. But when you do, I promise I’ll never let you go from my end ever. Most of you know who you are, and some of you don’t, but thank you for dealing with me and being with me despite all the flaws and no facades. The people who likely don’t know are some of the only people I seek to spend time with in pure intention and cherish our moments together, and the people who do know – you all are my constants.

One day, I just want to be able to rip this shell and let myself dance about. I just want to be as carefree as I seem, and do things for me. Although ironic since I mentioned it was hard to communicate, but this is all so much easier to articulate than it is to really do. But this summer has been absolutely dedicated to discovering myself, my former passions, feeling for myself and learning to love. It’s gotten better, but there’s so much more that can be done. But always hope that it’ll happen; it’s a journey that has just begun.

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