2/21/16

hands trembling,

thoughts tangled,

future uncertain.

while trying to understand what all these words mean,

ribosomes, chromosomes, g proteins;

while trying to make sense of whether I want to do this or whether I need to do this,

taking on too much or an amount just right is still ambiguous;

while trying to push away the stress and work on,

sips of coffee and munches on fruit.

an indian father of two little boys sit next to me,

and the tears slip.

the familiarity too strong,

the kicks of nostalgia perpetuate on and on.

their conversation,

their laughs,

the father’s smile on his kids;

it’s too much now.

i sit a table away,

but a wish to sit with you three lingers,

because you’re a parallel to my past.

growing up,

i thought i was ready,

im not.

trying to make this place home,

trying to fight my insecurities but every little thing makes it worse,

trying to be the best version of myself but im doubting every move,

now im trying just not to break down and fight and fight on.

i didn’t realize how tangled my thoughts are.

the chairs screech,

the father and the kids are cleaning up,

no don’t leave,

you’re the closest i have to reimagining my past vividly.

you’ve left,

and you’re still that parallel;

you’ve moved away,

just like time moved as an inevitable fact of life.

amma, nana, sai and nicky,

im not okay,

im not okay without your constant presence.

im sorry i never seemed like i was grateful,

but no words will ever tell you how thankful i am.

the pressure is draining me out,

it’s not just about work anymore,

it’s actually everything else –

things i can’t really spell out loud,

things that i can’t articulate myself,

no one can really help me but myself –

but i wish i was embraced in your presence.

i would break down so much more often,

but im doing this for you four.

you’ve supported,

given,

believed,

and loved,

this is the least i can do.

i didn’t realize how much i need you,

and how much i missed home,

because home is where heart is,

and that’s exactly where you four are.

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