Comeback

After taking an extremely long hiatus on doing one of my favorite things, I’ve finally seized that moment to make a return to this blog.

It’s been several months since I’ve last blogged periodically, over which there’s been so much that’s happened with both my writing and my life. Writing hasn’t ever stopped being a part of my everyday routine even though it might seem that way – still keep a moving journal, I write for the school newspaper and also pretty much am obligated to academically write several times a week thanks to college.

And there’s that too. Through this break, I /somehow/ managed to start college, finish my first semester and enter my second rather recently.It’s been an extremely wild ride, with several bumps and hurdles in the beginning months, taking on a high towards the end of the year and then turning back down in the sin wave that we seem to traverse in. But overall, starting college was and has been one of the most rewarding experiences I could ever have. And almost only because it’s been a change from everything that I’ve gotten used to over the years.

That’s what 2015 was – change. From graduating, moving states and to moving on.

But the new year of 2016 started, and it’s like the change toppled over to pure negativity. It hasn’t been smooth, no not at all. I thought I was finally going to reach that emotional and academic balance I’ve been longing for. I thought I was ready to switch home. But things haven’t been lately. Everything that I worked towards last year seems to be crippling down, and I’ve been going back through this downward spiral that I am far too familiar with from the past. With insecurities at an ever high, family so far away, self-doubt trickling at every step, not knowing how to manage transactions and re-evaluating my choices far too much, I’m not comfortable anymore and I don’t know what to do about it.

Except for going back to the remedy that worked for me months ago.

Writing.

Giving myself some time for myself to pause and take things slower, and being able to introspect every single point that seems to hold some sort of importance or change.

Because I’m sick of putting up a fake shell covered with smiles and laughter and with a shade of someone who has a hold of all her shit because that is obviously not me. The real me, who’s shaking inside this husk she’s hiding in, wants to break out of the covering and stand vulnerable.

I hope I’ll be okay.

Advertisements

2/21/16

hands trembling,

thoughts tangled,

future uncertain.

while trying to understand what all these words mean,

ribosomes, chromosomes, g proteins;

while trying to make sense of whether I want to do this or whether I need to do this,

taking on too much or an amount just right is still ambiguous;

while trying to push away the stress and work on,

sips of coffee and munches on fruit.

an indian father of two little boys sit next to me,

and the tears slip.

the familiarity too strong,

the kicks of nostalgia perpetuate on and on.

their conversation,

their laughs,

the father’s smile on his kids;

it’s too much now.

i sit a table away,

but a wish to sit with you three lingers,

because you’re a parallel to my past.

growing up,

i thought i was ready,

im not.

trying to make this place home,

trying to fight my insecurities but every little thing makes it worse,

trying to be the best version of myself but im doubting every move,

now im trying just not to break down and fight and fight on.

i didn’t realize how tangled my thoughts are.

the chairs screech,

the father and the kids are cleaning up,

no don’t leave,

you’re the closest i have to reimagining my past vividly.

you’ve left,

and you’re still that parallel;

you’ve moved away,

just like time moved as an inevitable fact of life.

amma, nana, sai and nicky,

im not okay,

im not okay without your constant presence.

im sorry i never seemed like i was grateful,

but no words will ever tell you how thankful i am.

the pressure is draining me out,

it’s not just about work anymore,

it’s actually everything else –

things i can’t really spell out loud,

things that i can’t articulate myself,

no one can really help me but myself –

but i wish i was embraced in your presence.

i would break down so much more often,

but im doing this for you four.

you’ve supported,

given,

believed,

and loved,

this is the least i can do.

i didn’t realize how much i need you,

and how much i missed home,

because home is where heart is,

and that’s exactly where you four are.

On That Music Grind

One track, one step.

One track, another step.

One track, and we keep going.

Walking to my first class in a rush every morning, I see around me pretty much every single person with a pair of earphones plugged into a phone. I walk over to the library later in the day to do some reading, and there’s people sharing earphones, beating their feet to the tempo of the music. It’s gym time, and everyone’s sporting a pair of headphones, some blasting out loud jams to not hear their gasps of lack of breath. It’s night time, and I catch myself ending the day with music – just the way I started it.

The power of a single song to place you in an alternate digital universe will never cease to amaze me. Look around you and think about how each and every single person with those earphones is listening to something different – different beats, different genres, different languages. Yet you’re sitting in one room or standing in one place.

A world without music in my ears is a world that I cannot possibly imagine. It starts my day, it pumps me up, it keeps me going, it can flip my mood around but most importantly, it connects. This relationship isn’t unique to me – it’s something every single person around me has. How stunning is this whole possibility that we cannot cease to live with?

Something that definitely cannot be described with words, but just a rhythm.