so apparently, it was just a pause.
sometimes i just end up staring into the dark for minutes, hours within the night;
questioning everything, i land at the same umbra of thought every day – every waking moment of consciousness.
i might be too vague, but that’s how my thoughts seem to be;
they make no strings of sense,
but please put up with me.
swings and swirls,
hidden messages within blog posts and subliminal reactions to things you say;
my mind is a mess.
i want to tell you everything,
from the roots to the end,
but it’s going to come out all wrong;
it’s going to change things dramatically;
it’s a chance i’m not willing to take – yet.
i don’t know what to do,
i don’t how to phrase it,
heck, i don’t know how to think it through.
i end up streaming through endless sites and countless daydreams,
only to sit behind this screen and scramble down words here that don’t even seem to make a real harmony.
and that metaphor is exactly how to describe my mind right now –
it’s constantly playing a tune without a tempo or a beat,
purposefully placing myself into persistent deceit.
i wish i could sit and rant to you,
or you too,
but i need the words to begin with;
they all seem to lay astray.
until that day,
im on my own,
fighting an inner battle with colliding thoughts and wishes and wants,
to land once again on the unknown.